I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
