She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
vagina is talking i cant
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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