The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
