She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
