listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
