There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The best revenge is premature balding
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
