she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
And then my night got REAL pukey
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
why is half of my head shaved?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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