So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
