I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
