Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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