I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
