My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
