Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
