My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
