On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
