Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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