Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
