maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize
