My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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