dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
