im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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