So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
