I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Randomize
