Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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