I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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