Sry I called you an 8
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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