I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
