I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
try to milk me bitch
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
