Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
