you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
