Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
