I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
