I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
