This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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