I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
