I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
