MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
