forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
