there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
