sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
