just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I need a beard to bite.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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