dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
