gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
