Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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