Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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