I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
