why im i the only drunk person in the library?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
