i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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