I wish I could teleport
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
