I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
