You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
