6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
