I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
